


In The Blood

by silasfinch



Series: A Canadian Family [5]
Category: Saving Hope (TV)
Genre: Crisis of Faith, F/F, Family Feels, Gen, Reconciliation, Religious Guilt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:27:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23709136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/silasfinch
Summary: Sydney Katz builds her new family with Maggie and their daughterThis story chronicles her interactions with the Katz Family and CommunityFaith, Family and Feelings.
Relationships: Sydney Katz/Maggie Lin
Series: A Canadian Family [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/776727
Kudos: 35





	In The Blood

_How much of my mother has my mother left in me?_

_How much of my love will be insane to some degree?_

_And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?_

_Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?_

_How much of my mother has my mother left in me?_

_How much of my love will be insane to some degree?_

_And what about this feeling that I'm never good enough?_

_Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?_

_I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need_

_But it's never gonna come the way I am_

_Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?_

_Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?_

"I need your help again."

Sydney looks up from her position on the couch where she is cradling Elianna and reading Jewish fables. Her daughter is somewhere between asleep and awake, her weight a familiar comfort against Syd's chest. Jerry is visiting and dropping off baked goods from Amara. The two couples grow closer every day with the gift of this child between them. Neither relationship is conventional, but there is profound happiness which makes all the toil worthwhile. Syd hopes that her cousin will find lasting peace with his new wife and a legitimate source of income. There is a lightness to him even when asking for help; hopefully, there are no shady dealings in the works. 

"The last time you said those words I ended up with a future wife and this little miracle, so am willing to hear you out as long as this help doesn't involve illegal exports from Israel. 

Jerry has the good grace to look sheepish, but he manages to stop pacing and comes to sit beside Syd, giving the baby a smile before talking in a rush without much room for hesitation or oxygen.

"My sister is having trouble with her husband in the bedroom. The mantel of 'Golden Katz" child falls to her. If it were up to Rachel, they'd have ten children by now, and it only isn't happening. She is angry and bitter at me for 'handing over' my unplanned baby to you. Its taken me months to convince her to talk to you."

"The useful call of the outcast strikes again, huh?" Sydney says with more weariness than bitterness.

"Please Syd, Rach is crying herself to sleep," Jerry begs. 

"Of course, I will if she is willing to talk to me, I will try and help." 

Sydney Katz will always fight for mothers and children. Her dream of marrying Hershel was to open a small family practice and work to serve their community. There were so many health concerns that were secretive and shameful; she wasn't exaggerating when she told Maggie she was willing to change her life when they married. Her future is vastly different now, but that doesn't mean she feels the pull of that unmet needs. There is a tug between the traditional belief systems and the strangeness of modern sciences; she isn't the only one facing this reality. 

***

Rachel Goldberg treats her cousin with the same suspicious as the rest of their family. 

Sydney feels her heart tug with a familiar old pain that will never quite go away. She has fond memories of watching the youngest Katz cousin grow up and shadow Rebecca through teacher's college. At 21, Rachel is a successful teacher and a devout member of the Synagogue. The pressure to provide any equally prosperous household must be immense to visit a family member who is under the influence of an ancient curse. 

It takes Syd a while to draw out the specifics of the problem outside the pressure Rachel feels to make the marriage success in the holiest of ways, meaning sex that produces a child of the faith. Her symptoms are vague and hampered by both Rachel's shyness and the limits of the Hebrew language when it comes to characterising such things in neutral terms. 

"Can you fix this soon? People are starting to talk about our lack of progress. We want a big family, Dr Katz."

"You aren't broken or defective; these are common issues that many woman face."

"Not the woman in my husband's family, they produce babies on a schedule. There are already enough rumours with me coming from the infamous Katz family, even you have a child now." 

The glance she spares the photo of the Eli, Maggie and Sydney with more wistfulness than pure anger or resentment. The Katz Family couldn't take Eli in for various reasons; therefore, it wasn't her place to comment on the placement with Sydney and Maggie. Maggie still reserves the right to punch any members that dare to pass judgement out loud. 

"The little girl seems happy with you, and you are teaching her Hebrew and the old stories, despite this choice?"

"Eli will be raised in the Jewish faith, even though it won't look like our childhood." 

.

Sydney tries to moderate her tone as a mixture of professional and encouraging. There is a reason Rachel came to her over the other women (married or otherwise) in their family. It's hard to know what she wants Dr Sydney Katz to be in that moment. The lack of meaningful sex education amongst the Orthodox communities is a well-known frustration, but these are variable. The Katz Family are more progressive than most, in that they allow a secular education to compliment a religious one. Still, there is considerable pressure on the woman to take responsibility for martial satisfaction. Dissatisfaction in this area is a shameful secret and will add fuel to the suggestion that the Katz family is dealing with some cosmic problems. Fortunately, Jerry gets his sister to Syd before she can absorb the misinformation from one of the well-meaning but troublesome souces. 

"You will need to do some tests and exploration before we can recommend a course of treatment. I can recommend a Jewish clinic that will be respectful of the customs without violating your privacy." 

"Surely it hasn't been that long for you, Syd.; there is no such thing as privacy when it comes to family problems and marital dramas. Somebody's cousin will know the Rabbi or his wife. All I ask is that you find a solution as soon as possible."

"Contrary to popular belief, there are no exact answers in medicine, but I can promise to do my best to make things easier for you. There won't be a baby by Hanukah, right now let's focus on easing your pain and the distress with your husband."

"That would be wonderful."

Rachel reaches out a tentative hand and holds her cousin's hand. The touch is quick, and there is a tremble in the fingers, but Sydney relishes the connection. 

****

"Do you dislike us that much?"

Sydney blinks back a familiar stab of pain at the words even though the tone is genuinely curious rather than hostile. There is a tendency on both the part of her family and the secular world to believe Syd's leaving is because she loathes everything that her family and broader community represent. People's thinking is that absolute and reductionist; you are either with the faith or against them; there is no middle ground. Only meeting and building a life with Maggie teaches Syd the value of the nuances in life. Even then it took them far too long to reach a place of being together as a couple and new family unit. Not everybody has the persistence of Maggie Lin. 

"No Rachel nothing could be further from the truth, I love our family and miss such connections every single day. However, there is no way to live such a lie for the rest of my life." 

"Is your inner life and secrets worth losing absolute everything?" 

"Agreeing to marry a good man for the sake of family harmony would be wrong on a fundamental. I would keep up appearances but only on the surface and before long both our souls would be sick." Sydney says as more of a Jewish woman than a doctor right then.

"Like Neshama and her Reformist lover?" Rachel asks carefully not to use the word deviant or anything similar. 

"Neshama and her Ruth are far braver than I ever was and to the best of my knowledge still angry with me, its that's any consolation." 

"Your suffering doesn't bring me any joy." Rachel retorts stiffly 

Sydney sighs but doesn't take the bait. If they aren't careful, there could be endless circular conversations about scripture and the right ways to live a Jewish life. Thanks to both Jerry and Syd the pressure to redeem the Katz family name is intense. One of the saddest aspects is the inability to reach out and support each member. When you are young in such a family, there is the pressure of maintaining the generations and history. 

***

There are no easy answers, but they make some progress. 

Even if there were;t the ethical considerations of treating a family member, there is no way Sydney Katz can provide a diagnosis without running proper medical tests. Her job here is to provide a link between Rachel and the outside world, understanding the customs and concerns. Difficulties with physical intimacy have many causes and not all them (by a considerable way) are a simple matter of a medical fix. There is a risk she will alienate her cousin even further by not being a miracle worker, but there is no way she is going to lie and offer false hope. 

It doesn't take long for Sydney to make an appointment at the clinic; there are few advantages to living and working in the field. Sometimes consults like this feel a mini-reunion. There aren't that many reproductive specialists how to have a focus and understanding of different faiths. Rachel will have at least two months of tests and appointments and a trial of different options. 

"Thank you, Sydney; I will consider what you have said."

Rachel still looks nervous and uncertain, but there is less rigidity in her posture. The smile she gives Sydney is genuine, and she isn't looking around the house seeking signs of how far her cousin has fallen. The tea they share is almost companionable, and Rachel requests to see photos of Eliana, and there isn't a trace of mockery or judgement in her tone. Syd is a hypervigilant about signs of such things now. Jerry's side of the family stays mostly silent on the matter now that the adoption is final. There is bound to be whispers and accusations, but nothing is overt. 

"If anything gets worst or you simply want to talk, give me a call. I miss you, little cousin." 

Rachel doesn't say anything, but she takes the card with a smile a firm nod. 

Sydney feels a surge of triumph at the successful interaction with the first of her family members. Rachel is the least antagonistic of her father's family, but the afternoon still feels like a success. She stands in her new apartment that she shares with the person she loves and the world didn't end when a member of the community visits. There were no mentions of ancient curses and the sickening of the family tree. 

"A new definition of Bashert." 

***

"What has you thinking so hard? I can practically hear the cogs turning." 

Despite the fact they are building a life together (in record time, according to Rosemary) is still amazing to Syd that Maggie comes home every day to their shared apartment. They will spend all their free time together, seeing her keys and phone in the hallway is enough to bring a smile even on the worst days. She hopes never to lose the profound sense of gratitude a wonder at the turn of events. The familiar dip in the bed as Maggie cames to snuggle beside her is one of Syd's favour sensations in the world. 

"I am thinking about how much I love this bed and everything it represents. You were a wonderful partner to put up with the excuse for a sleeping surface that was my previous bed; I owe you a chiropractic session or two for that torture." Sydney replies with a tender smile.

"Every single cramp was worth it if it got us to this particular point, that bed wasn't bad per se just incredibly small," Maggie comments kissing her softly. 

"You are rebuilding my world and not only in the romantic, _Wuthering Heights_ kind of way." Sydney continues her voice oddly lyrical. "Not that the Brontes are the best examples of such things."

"My insistence on goose down feathers is hardly a selfless act, darling." 

"There is a reason my bed was so small and uncomfortable. Anything in a traditional Jewish home is separate; married couples have separate beds for most of their lives; physical intimacy is on a schedule for procreation. There is a purpose to every touch and moment together, in service to the community, faith or family. There is a division of labour between husbands and wives; they circle each other throughout the die, meeting in odd moments. Even after cancelling the wedding to Hershel, my routines didn't change that much, right down to the furniture, most places I lived in Israel follow the customs if not strictly." 

"Having a Sydney Katz that can hug and touch is a definite gain to the world or at least most definitely to me." 

"Rachel wants to make her life a success but feels the profound pressure to fit the mould when her body 'fails.' There are so many little aspects of our lives that bring me peace and serenity; I like reading books and doing crosswords in bed or playing with Eli on the bed." 

"Well, we have a lifetime of memories to go. I told you once I'd always be here waiting for you and that includes when you need time to reconcile parts of that don't have me in them." Maggie insists with a soft smile. 

"One of the main reasons I was so afraid to date you and stay in Canada was the fear that the grey area would be too overwhelming and challenging. For all the problems within childhood and teenage years, there was security knowing what to do, especially somebody who loves the rules so much. Rachel and the others need to know that there is more to life than every single rule." 

"There is a long way to go, but I've never known Sydney Katz to back down from a challenge. Everything from stirrups to the sick mums and babies in the wider North American territories."

"You are my number one cheerleader." 

***

"There is nothing wrong with you either, Syd. You know that, right?"

Sydney remains silent for a while, which is possibly an answer in itself. They are both making good progress in their therapy as individuals and as a couple. The process of a family adoption and making serious lifelong commitments is an emotionally draining one. Maggie's Courtship of Cranes is both romantic and rational, but that doesn't make the concept any less daunting. Contrary to the pop songs and the movies love doesn't heal the pain of the past; it merely makes it easier to bare over time. 

As is her habit when thinking hard Syd is watching one of the many origami cranes that are hanging by the window. There are a few in Eli's room, but the central carving is in the corner. 

"When I lie here with you, everything seems possible." 

Maggie doesn't say anything, but she starts stroking Sydney's hair and trailing it through her fingers. Neither of them is tactic people, but the ability to express such closeness is still a luxury. Syd is still adjusting to living her life openly as both as a lesbian and a progressive woman who is willing to advocate change. 

"The narratives of a lifetime are difficult to change, especially when you see glimpses it to the life that was available to you. If I'd married Hershel, we would have two or three children now." Sydney explains with a weird catch in her tone. 

"There is nothing wrong with the occasional pang of longing; you wouldn't be human if you didn't. It doesn't mean you love us any less, just like I will always wonder about the baby that was only mine briefly." 

"The past makes and shapes us, but it doesn't define our lives now. I love watching you with our daughter and think Eliana is profoundly lucky to have you as the other parent."

Maggie smiles and moves closer, tangling their limbs together in a familiar way. 

"I think there is more that I can do, if not for the family than people in similar positions." 

"What will that mean for you?" 

Maggie is right to be suspicious and express concern. All through their reunion, Syd's attitude is to let them come to her when and if her family is ever ready. There is no reason to invite trouble or judgement, especially when they are building a life around the needs of a growing but still sickly infant daughter. Her partner is adorably protective of their family unit and again doesn't trust many members of the faith. Rebecca is an obvious exception, but that is a relationship that builds over time. 

"I don't know Maggie, it's not like I will hang out a shingle, but there are organisations who work with former members and families. I can offer my medical services. Nothing dangerous or anything that will put you or Eli in any danger but service all the same."

"Hey, we are both pretty good and forging our path together, this wouldn't be any different. ."

One of her favourite things about building a life with Maggie is her willingness to support her Jewish faith in whatever form that takes. Some of their best conversations revolve around Eliana's growth and milestones within the Jewish faith; they will work within the Reformist tradition. Eli and her adoption is a blessing on multiple levels, but Syd's ability to experience being a Jewish mother is fundamental to this reality. 

"If I was able to defy the odds and find my way back you, then I want to allow other people to do the same. Maybe Rachel is the first thread to reconnect me with the family." Sydney muses sleepily. 

They fall into a relaxed and comfortable silence. There are no quick solutions and guidelines. Jerry and Syd will always be the 'black sheep', but there are still successes in the relationship with Rebecca and some of the younger people. Syd doesn't feel the crushing weight of disappointment and fear anymore, and her relationship with God is remaining steady, even in the face of doubt and challenge, being gay and being a child of God are not mutually exclusive realities. Eli and Maggie are living proof of forgiveness. Years ago, Maggie compared her new life to 'free-falling.' now she has a soft place to land no matter how long the journey to get there. 


End file.
